Political Quote of the Day on the Death of Common Sense

I am always interested in a good piece of satirical writing, and I'm always anxious to give the correct attribution where possible. Several "versions" of this exist on the Internet, many of which have been attributed incorrectly to George Carlin, or "anonymous." Today, I am happy to reproduce this in its original essay:

The Death of Common Sense
Lori Borgman | Sunday, March 15, 1998

Three yards of black fabric enshroud my computer terminal. I am mourning the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense. His obituary reads as follows:

CommonSense, aka C.S., lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was, his birth records were long ago entangled in miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape. 

Known affectionately to close friends as Horse Sense and Sound Thinking, he selflessly devoted himself to a life of service in homes, schools, hospitals and offices, helping folks get jobs done without a lot of fanfare, whooping and hollering.

Rules and regulations and petty, frivolous lawsuits held no power over C.S. A most reliable sage, he was credited with cultivating the ability to know when to come in out of the rain, the discovery that the early bird gets the worm and how to take the bitter with the sweet.

C.S. also developed sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adult is in charge, not the kid) and prudent dietary plans (offset eggs and bacon with a little fiber and orange juice).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, the Technological Revolution and the Smoking Crusades, C.S. survived sundry cultural and educational trends including disco, the men's movement, body piercing, whole language and new math. C.S.'s health began declining in the late 1960s when he became infected with the If-It-Feels-Good, Do-It virus.

In the following decades, his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal and state rules and regulations and an oppressive tax code. C.S. was sapped of strength and the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, criminals received better treatment than victims and judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional baseball and golf.

His deterioration accelerated as schools implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of 6-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing classmates, a teen suspended for taking a swig of Scope mouthwash after lunch, girls suspended for possessing Midol and an honor student expelled for having a table knife in her school lunch were more than his heart could endure.

As the end neared, doctors say C.S. drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding regulations on low-flow toilets and mandatory air bags. Finally, upon hearing about a government plan to ban inhalers from 14 million asthmatics due to a trace of a pollutant that may be harmful to the environment, C.S. breathed his last.

Services will be at Whispering Pines Cemetery. C.S. was preceded in death by his wife, Discretion; one daughter, Responsibility; and one son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers, Half-Wit and Dim-Wit.

Memorial Contributions may be sent to the Institute for Rational Thought. Farewell, Common Sense. May you rest in peace.

Common Sense, by Thomas Paine

Thomas Paine

I was reminded earlier today that tomorrow marks an important day in our national calendar.  It is the anniversary of the publication of Common Sense, by Thomas Paine.  The date was January 9, 1776.

At the time he wrote the pamphlet, America was nearly balanced by three factions, not unlike our political landscape today:  Revolutionaries who longed for independence from Great Britain, Loyalists who remained loyal to the Crown and King George III, and another third who couldn't make up their minds and were undecided.

Paine's early history is not a predictor of his greatness that would come later with his pen and paper.  He was born into a poor family in an obscure village in England.  He had little formal education.  He was bouncing around in several occupations -- corset maker, seaman, schoolteacher, customs collector, tobacco seller -- none that produced success.

He was down and out when he met Benjamin Franklin, who was living in London.  Franklin suggested that Paine relocate to America, "a land of new opportunity," he told him.

Paine nearly died en route by ocean voyage to America.  When he landed in Philadelphia he was half-dead.  With the help of Franklin, Paine was given letters of recommendation to help him get a job as a magazine writer.

Even his later critics begrudgingly admitted Paine had more "brains than books, more sense than education, more courage than politeness, more strength than polish."  He was just what the doctor ordered to move an ambivalent nation to action.  He demanded that Americans demand their freedom and settle for no compromise.  There was nothing in his writings to suggest he was the least bit interested in compromise.

"The birthday of a new world is at hand," he wrote.  He vociferously attacked the idea of living under the King of England.  He planted the seeds of revolution and a complete break with England.  Here's a sample of his rhetoric:

"O ye that love mankind!  Ye that dare oppose, not only the tyranny, but the tyrant, stand forth!  Every spot of the old world is overrun with oppression.  Freedom hath been hunted round the globe.  Asia, and Africa, have long expelled her.  Europe regards her like a stranger, and England hath given her warning to depart.  O! [America] receive the fugitive, and prepare in time an asylum for mankind."

Paine's words must have sounded like a bugle call to action to the struggling colonists.  Washington, at the head of the Continental Army already engaged in armed conflict with the daunting forces of the Crown on land and sea, used the pamphlet to rally his troops and boost enlistments among those who were still undecided.  Thousands snatched up the pamphlet and decided he was right.  He rallied a nation to produce the Declaration of Independence later that summer.

Thomas Edison would write 150 years later, "We never had a sounder intelligence in this Republic. . .  In Common Sense Paine flared forth with a document so powerful that the Revolution became inevitable."