It's almost a year since my beloved Patsy's death. It will be a year tomorrow - July 25th, 2024. I have been pondering the lessons learned since her passing. It's Pioneer Day in Utah, the statewide holiday when we commemorate the arrival of those noble pioneers who traversed the American wilderness in 1847 to settle in these valleys of the mountains in what would later become the great state of Utah.
In so many ways, Patsy's life embodied the finest qualities of her ancestry who carved out their homes here. In 1976, we laid the footings and the foundation of our mountain home in Woodland, Utah, in her ancestral summer home of Pine Valley. In every way she was a modern pioneer woman blazing a trail for those who would follow after her in this idyllic setting.
I suppose it is not surprising that someone near and dear to me in the ward asked me recently what I’ve learned in the last year since Patsy’s death. Today I will boldly and publicly answer that question. I can now offer some lessons that have quietly distilled upon me.
Most will tell you to wait at least a year after the death of a loved one before making any major decisions. I have seen the wisdom of that advice. Here are some obvious observations:
1. I can’t imagine re-marrying anyone else. Patsy is cemented in my heart and soul as my eternal companion, and I’m not sure I want to muddy those waters by seeking a new relationship anytime soon. I watched it happen to others and it’s always appeared to be a complex situation when blending two new families. I'm opting for simplicity.
2. Thoughts have taken shape over this past year about what to do with the house. I’ve asked my attorney son, Rich, to put together some legal paper work to effectively transfer title to an entity yet to be determined, and owned by those who are willing and desire to take ownership in the future. Some will opt in and others will opt out. I want to make certain that we entertain everyone’s wishes and accommodate as many as possible in whatever contingency may arise. Stay tuned for details to emerge. I continue to welcome and solicit your input.
3. That brings up the outstanding mortgage. I wish I were debt-free, but that is not the case. Son Steve recently estimated that if every family - 12 in number - contributed $100 per month that could be applied directly to principal, the mortgage would be retired completely in 9 years! Of course, that contribution would be strictly voluntary, but it illustrates the power of a large number of contributors. This is just to plant a seed for discussion for now.
4. I’ve learned to be more loving, more patient and more forgiving than ever before. It’s because I am closer to following in Patsy’s footsteps than I ever envisioned until now. My weaknesses are many, and I continue to seek improvement in these specific areas. I have always believed the best in others, and this has sometimes been a weakness that has hurt me and our family.
5. There have been some amazing happenings in which I have learned I was correct in my earlier decision making, even though the outcomes were unknown back then. At the top of that list was my recent lunch with an old co-worker who confirmed my choices. Who knew it would take this many years to reach closure? A lesson in patience and faith for sure.
6. I have been more grateful than ever for good health. My recent doctors’ appointments have been affirming to me. There has been improvement in my brain, my eyes and my overall health profile as confirmed by the doctors. Of course, I am not unaware my mortal overall outcome will be death, as it is for each of us, but for the moment I am happy to be alive and thriving to the extent I am.
7. I’ve learned to savor my memories, which explains why I never seem to run out of topics about which I can write. My personal physician told me yesterday he believes writing helps my brain to continue to function well. He encouraged me to keep doing it. I agree, and hope you do too.
8. My life with Patsy was joyful and fulfilling in every way imaginable. My testimony of the gospel was enhanced and buttressed in every way by my eternal companionship with her. I still savor that last road trip we took out to Minnesota and back, stopping as we did in six temples in six states in six days. It was the fitting culmination of our lives together in loving and worshipping in the temples.
9. My lessons in loneliness continue unabated. “Is it good for man to be alone? It is NOT good that the man should be alone.” (See Abraham 5:14). Those words from scripture resonate in my heart every night and every day. I have settled into routines that are not nearly as complete and joyful as they were when we were still together in the flesh.
10. I have been asked about whether or not I still “feel” her nearby. The answer is “Yes.” It’s so real sometimes I expect to see her walking into the room at any moment. I still imagine hearing her bath water running in the other room while I am laying in bed at night. I am still waiting for her to join me when I realize I am drifting off to sleep all alone.
11. How would you summarize the last year without her? It’s simple. I miss her every moment of every day. The emptiness I feel is very tangible, and it’s a physical phenomenon having little or nothing to do with my faith and the spiritual truths I hold inviolate. It’s root-bound in my physical world that has been altered. I know the gospel is true, I know my Redeemer lives and died to take away all my sins, and I know the plan of salvation includes the hope of a resurrection and eternal life. All that said, however, there is a physical dimension in which I live that demands my ongoing attention. That includes meals, laundry, cleaning, chores, repairs, managing resources, and embracing the changing seasons. It’s all different now without her.
12. I know she lives on in the spirit world. I am thankful for the spiritual manifestations I have received that give me that assurance. Sometimes it is just a quiet prompting to do something good for someone. I’ve have dreams about her now. I often find myself envisioning what it will be like to go through the veil to be greeted by her and all my family members who have preceded me in death. I dreamt about that last night.
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There may be other lessons learned I have not written yet, and to that end I may amend this post in future days, but twelve is enough for now. By putting myself "out there" I only hope to inspire others who may be in similar circumstances, not to suggest I have all the answers. I've decided I'm just not that smart to qualify as a guru quite yet.
Please know how much I cherish each of you, my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, who receive these updates. I hope they may be useful to you. That’s the only reason I write what I do so there may be a lasting testament that will outlive me.
I watched her funeral services again this morning. I was reminded how incredible each of you is as I shared that sacred hour with all of you a year ago. Her life was the embodiment of discipleship to her Savior Jesus Christ as a true and devoted pioneer. In you I see her. May each of us continue to follow the path she has set before us, the covenant path, with hearts brimming with faith and assurance that she will never be far from us. Of that fact I am a witness.
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