Can People REALLY Change?

When you live as long as I have (76 and counting), you might find yourself reflecting upon your life experiences more than you did when you were younger and you were creating those memories. You will rub shoulders with a vast variety of souls in mortality. Some of the more interesting ones might even be in your immediate family. 

We often think others might be "out of touch" - sometimes they're just a little weird for our taste. We tend to seek associations with those of like-minded nature as ourselves. It's just human nature. We often dismiss others with, "Well, he'll never change."

Once in awhile, however, we are surprised to learn someone has changed who we haven't seen or been in contact with for many years. That leads me to discuss today's topic - can people really change?

My answer is a resounding "YES" - they can and they do!

Think about your own life. Have you changed from what and who you were during your youthful days of college? Have life's experiences tended to knock off some rough edges, rounding you into a more useful and accepting personality? Do you now seek the welfare of others more willingly and voluntarily than you did at one time? Do you count the cost and the potential return for you before you reach out in service to another, or do you give freely and voluntarily without a thought of possible remuneration?

We send missionaries all around the world today to seek those who want to change. We promote change. We advocate for change when it produces positive results. We bless lives instinctively. It becomes second-nature to us.

This morning a returning missionary couple shared their experiences during a humanitarian mission to first India, then they were re-assigned with nine months left to Cambodia. They cited examples of the most humble souls one could imagine who embraced the meager help this couple offered. In each case lives were blessed, changed, and improved. They weren't the kind of stories that will ever make the front pages of a newspaper, but eternally the impact of their service will be felt forever.

We tend to change most readily when we seek the awareness that change is warranted. When we do our own self-inventory as many do at the first of a new year, can we think of things others have said to us giving us some direction in what change for the better might look like? 

Is there ever a husband who doesn't freely offer course correction for his wife? Conversely, is there ever a wife who can't think of something her husband might do that could be helpful to her? Parents are quick to seek change in behaviors among their children. 

Most importantly, the Spirit of the Holy Ghost will always offer gently the ways in which we can change to bless others. These are always soft, gentle whispers so lovingly offered to us we may not be attuned to hearing them, but if we focus we can hear and feel those nudges. Acting upon them opens the door for change.

If we believe change in people is not possible, then why would we deploy tens of thousands of missionaries all around the world to see if we can share the gospel message with them? We have this abiding belief that they will embrace the fulness of the restored gospel, come unto Christ, join His Church here on earth, and then take steps to the temple where they are promised they can receive “all that my Father hath.” 

Imagine just how audacious that might seem to some. “I’m happy just the way I am,” they used to tell me in Northern England all those years ago. Or, “Got me own, luv,” was another frequent response when we posited changing churches. Those, of course, were the ones who could have cared less that I was in their home country on a two-year mission to save the world - their world - from certain destruction if they booted me off their doorstep. I learned how to deal with rejection in very real and precise terms in that experience.

But I also, on occasion, was a witness to those few precious souls who DID embrace the possibility of change. They gave up coffee, tea, alcohol, tobacco and hard drugs for starters. They had to change before they could be baptized, and a few blessed souls to whom I carried that possibility actually did change in dramatic ways right before my eyes. As our visits together progressed, I saw visible changes in their homes. They cleaned up before we had lessons. They cleaned their clothes, they bathed and dressed their young children so they were “presentable” to us. One even told me they thought we were angels from the presence of God who had come to their home. And they changed. Asking an Englishman or woman to surrender their tea to us, then never drink it again was like asking some to cut off their arm. It was the acid test of their sincerity, and some just couldn’t do it.

I am bound to my eternal companion Patsy in bonds of celestial marriage. How does this relate to raising our children in today’s environment? We are bound together by celestial bonds and covenants as an eternal family. We love one another, we love being together, and we are sometimes saddened when one of us might weaken or falter in whatever extremity with which we are dealing at the moment. So we reach out to help one another in love. 

We are inspired by each other as we witness one rising above their challenges and succeeding as they move along life’s path. I know I have drawn strength from each of you as I watch from the sidelines. I thank you, each one of you, as I see you change, grow, and conquer your demons. 

The other night after I had upgraded to the new i-Phone 15, I hadn’t realized I would have to download all my apps on my new phone. The Google browser was just spinning, and I couldn’t figure out how to get it unstuck. Grandson Alex was here, I asked him my question, he took my phone, hit a few buttons, and bingo - it somehow “magically” downloaded in seconds. He said something that has stuck with me: “Grandpa, sometimes the best solution when it comes to technology is just to hit the restart button. That solves almost every problem.” I told him whimsically, “That’s why you've come home from your mission at just the right time, so you could help me change my phone.”

Isn’t that the way it is with each of us? Sometimes we get “stuck,” and we can’t seem to find the next step out of our dilemma, whatever it may be. We need a “reset.” How blessed we are to have the gospel to guide us to daily repentance. 

We reset ourselves, then begin again as we pursue our course in life and get back on the covenant path if we have wandered off it for a time. Changing for the better is what life is all about.

That's why we have a "reset" button on our phone and the Holy Ghost as our constant companion.

Staring Down the Barrel of 2024

I went to the Provo City Center Temple the other day an hour before the start of an endowment session. I was all alone amidst a full session. I read the opening pages of The Book of Mormon, including this last verse of the first chapter. He made a quick departure from his historical account to make this editorial insert in the record:

I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance. (1 Nephi 1:20).

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced recently that there have been 200,000,000 copies of that inspired book of scripture published since the first press run of 5,000 copies in 1830. The coming forth of the Church and the publication of the book are themselves miracles that conventional wisdom would suggest never should have happened. The fact that makes conversion of each individual soul a miracle is the power of the spiritual blessings that accompany each conversion. 

I was asked for my birthdate the other day by a banker to confirm my identity. As the numbers rolled off my tongue, I commented, "That just seems like it was so long ago!"

And, indeed, as I stare down the barrel of a looming 2024, the gap between birth and death only grows larger. Someone wrote a poem about "the dash" years ago. I looked her up this morning and give her full attribution here:

The Dash by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own --
the cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more,
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
with your life's actions to rehash,
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash? 

As one who has recently entered the realm of widowerhood (is that even a word?), I find myself wondering what the date beyond my dash will be. I have the headstone for Patsy in the works in a quarry somewhere in Georgia as I write this. My name is inscribed on the granite block next to hers, but all that is missing now is that final date. So I'm still spending my dash. I wonder how I will be remembered. 

We have a large and wonderful posterity we created during our dash together here in mortality. At the threshold of this New Year, the slate is clean. What will I write upon it this year? It begins with this post to my blog. It has been said you can only wish people a "Happy New Year" for one week. I am within bounds here. 

We are embarking on a revision of my estate plan now. I am sponsoring an open forum among the children and their families to discuss their wishes for how I spend the rest of my dash. I welcome their input in the process. 

It sometimes seems like a daunting task with so many of us, all possessed of strong opinions and individual concerns. And, I would quickly add, really smart people. I have heard two words a lot recently - "impossible" and "unsustainable." Those two words have been weighing on my mind this morning as I write. Without context they are meaningless. I need more definition around the substance of WHAT seems so impossible, and HOW is whatever we are going to do unsustainable? 

The conventional wisdom from mental health experts suggests that we wait for at least a year before undertaking (see what I did there?) this task. No sudden moves, no major decisions, no lifelong ramifications just yet. We're still grieving Patsy's death. We are emotional beings. We are fragile. We can wait, we can assemble facts, we can posit solutions, and we can consult with estate planners. But let's go slow through the fact gathering stage.

I'm on board with all that. I love a deliberative approach. I want to do only those things that will bless and strengthen my posterity. Can a "one size fits all" solution be crafted? Probably not. Can we love one another when financial disparity enters the discussion? Can the "Pollyanna" high-level strategic vision be made to conform with a tactical plan that works? Can our feelings be held inviolate as we debate the merits of this or that? Can we make the impossible possible? Can we sustain the unsustainable? All these topics and more will be uncovered as we move ahead, ready or not, into a new year in 2024.

I wonder if anyone else "out there" might offer some perspective. I'm living what's left of my dash and I so want to get this right.

President Russell M. Nelson

I often turn to President Russell M. Nelson, now in his 100th year on earth, for his inspired insights. The man has experience - lots of it. He said:

"When you are confronted with a dilemma, think celestial! When tested by temptation, think celestial! When life or loved ones let you down, think celestial! When someone dies prematurely, think celestial. When someone lingers with a devastating illness, think celestial. When the pressures of life crowd in upon you, think celestial!" 

So, while I muddle along here in mortality I am attempting to do the "impossible" and the "unsustainable." I want to "think celestial."