What Can I Do to Help Others Who Decide to Leave the Church?

Today's post is prompted by a recent conversation with my children and grandchildren who are reporting what to them seems like an epidemic of their peers who are leaving the Church. I assured them this is not something new in the history of the Church. I have not lived through all the history of the Church personally, but I do have 76 years of it under my belt and I've seen a lot of it "up close and personal."

Jesus Christ
by Liz Lemon Swindle

When I was a young elders quorum president, I discovered there were a few of my elders who were in various stages of leaving the Church for just as many various reasons. Some were on their way out the door because they felt the Word of Wisdom was too restrictive. Others didn’t like the way Elder Ezra Taft Benson mixed his religion with politics. Still others took exception to various policy positions the Church had taken. 

Back in those days it was the equal rights for women amendment to the U.S. Constitution that was the hot button issue. One man brought to his monthly PPI with me a box loaded with anti-Mormon literature, declaring that until I had read it all he wouldn’t take me seriously. I informed him I had already seen every document he supplied to me, and asked him what else he wanted to discuss. My response left him speechless. 

Another young man (all of these were returned missionaries) had committed adultery with a married woman in our ward and had been excommunicated. 

I also remember a young man who had “come out” as gay, and didn’t feel the Church was the least bit sympathetic to his situation. Others quietly kept up a drum beat against the Church’s policy to restrict Blacks from having the priesthood.

That’s a sampling of the cases I remember. 

Since those early years, there have been many more to whom I have been exposed and was asked by local leaders to help. These include eventual apostates who declared they simply "knew more" than the Brethren. They could not be taught. Adultery continues to be a stumbling block for many, as it has been since the beginning of time. 

Some became wealthy and objected to tithing robbing them of their worldly success. I've even known some who told me they were just "too lazy" to be active in the Church - it was just "too much work" for them. 

Stop me if you've heard this one: "The Church is just too wealthy - look at all that money they're spending on temples around the world, and all the humanitarian donations they are making everywhere." It seems the enemies of the Church will never stop their diatribes. It is more common now to see legal court cases challenging the use of tithing money in open opposition to the Church's senior leadership. 

Most recently it seems there has been a wave of criticism for the "aged" leaders who are out of touch with the younger generation in the Church. Look on the faces of these men, and tell me you cannot love them.

The First Presidency

There is a common denominator I have witnessed over the years. To me, none of these complainants seemed very humble, nor were they teachable. Each had seemingly reached the point of no return, anchored in their belief that they knew better than anyone else, and that those who remained in the Church were merely deceived lemmings who were simpletons only going along to get along. They all expressed anger and judgment about their own experiences. 

Scott Strong, my dearest friend of a lifetime, introduced me to two of his friends who had served with him on a writing committee for the Young Men curriculum many years ago. The more famous of the two was Paul Toscano. Both were eventually excommunicated as apostates, and in the case of the lesser known of the two he became a polygamist and moved to Oklahoma with his wives and children.

In interviewing and listening to their views in frequent “study sessions” with them, it became obvious by their statements that they felt the Church was being led by the “B” Team of General Authorities, and that they belonged on the “A” Team. That’s why they were stating they were happy to leave the Church. 

They spoke of secret prayer circles, and other secret activities they were keeping hidden. They were receiving visions and visitations from angels who were instructing them to do certain things that were abhorrent and in open rebellion against the Brethren. It was all based on knowledge they possessed that no one else in the Church was privy to. Nothing they taught Scott and me was a surprise. It was predictable, and tragically, it was leading to the place where each ended up. 

Someone said it best: “There are a thousand reasons to leave the Church, but you only need to find one to remain true and faithful.” 

Things have changed in Church administration over the years. Excommunication was often the outcome of what was called a “Church court,” then disfellowshipping became the solution of choice under “Church councils.” Now many of those decisions are left to bishops under “membership councils.”

So what can we do when someone we know and love decides to leave the Church for whatever reason they choose? Here are some ideas:

1. Continue to minister unto them in love. 

The Savior taught:

And behold, ye shall meet together oft; and ye shall not forbid any man from coming unto you when ye shall meet together, but suffer them that they may come unto you and forbid them not;

But ye shall pray for them, and shall not cast them out; and if it so be that they come unto you oft ye shall pray for them unto the Father, in my name.

Therefore, hold up your light that it may shine unto the world. Behold I am the light which ye shall hold up — that which ye have seen me do. Behold ye see that I have prayed unto the Father, and ye all have witnessed.

And ye see that I have commanded that none of you should go away, but rather have commanded that ye should come unto me, that ye might feel and see; even so shall ye do unto the world; and whosoever breaketh this commandment suffereth himself to be led into temptation…

Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them. (3 Nephi 18:21-25; 32, emphasis mine).

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Their reasoning may seem tricky to us - they think we are deceived for staying in the Church, while we believe they are deceived for leaving it. We never know what life situation may befall someone to “wake them up” to taking the things of the spirit more seriously. As we continue to minister in faith each day of our lives, we often come to a point when they return and cite our ministrations as one of the reasons they came back. Or maybe they will never return. 

George P. Lee

2. Don’t be too surprised to see what happens to people who lose the spirit of the Holy Ghost in their lives. 

The most stark contrast I ever witnessed was Elder George P. Lee. He was excommunicated, and later arrested on a drunk driving charge. To the right you will see his "mug shot" after his arrest. He was a General Authority Seventy at one time in his life until his inglorious fall from his lofty position. His picture has always served as a terrible reminder to me about what happens when we lose the spirit in our lives.

Another of those elders in our young married lives was D. Michael Quinn, a famed Church historian, who would go on to publish a string of scurrilous and critical works against the leadership of the Church. I remember him being so agitated with me that President Harold B. Lee wasn’t actively praying for the Blacks to be given the priesthood. He, of course, had no idea what President Lee was or was not praying about, but he believed I should be exerting my influence upon him as his oldest grandson to bring about that change in Church policy. 

Quinn had married a good friend of ours, Janice Darley, and they had a wonderful family. He was excommunicated eventually for apostasy and ended up in San Francisco as an avowed homosexual. He died recently (2021), never having made steps back to the Church. His was a life among the “A” List bench of talented men who could not humble themselves enough to submit to the humble prophets God had raised up in these last days.

3. Pray for them constantly. 

Keep them in your prayers, and mention them by name to your Heavenly Father. Even if they choose to reject you and your ministrations, prayer is one of the most powerful conduits you can use to open up the heavens on their behalf. 

Addictions of all kinds keep people out of the Church. Take away addictions and mental illness and we will see many pure souls who long to be with the saints again. See those souls as the powerful spirits who they are. Keep in mind that while their lives here in mortality might appear to be a big messy glob of nastiness, they may always be remembered for the pure innocent children they once were before the temptations of the flesh overtook them. Always look for that spark of divinity within each one when you are saddened by their choices. Prayer will reveal more ways to you about how to help them. 

Always remember God loves all his children, and He wants them all to come back home. He will be more than willing to help you help them through the inspiration He will send to you through the Holy Ghost as you listen carefully for those promptings.

Beware the Warning Signs

Several months ago I was giving one of our daughters a ride to Salt Lake. She commented that my car seemed "noisy" and wondered if I thought so. I dismissed her comment because she isn't often in town and I was giving her a ride to the airport. I thought she didn't know much about cars and probably wasn't in a position to make that judgment.

Then another daughter a few weeks later drove it home from Salt Lake when she was with Patsy, and the next time I saw her she made the same comment. "You know, Dad," she wisely counseled, "if you just let it go with a car things only get worse in time." "Women," I thought to myself, and once again I dismissed the warning.

Over the holidays we swapped cars with a son and his wife who live over in Heber City. When he returned it to me he wondered aloud, "Why is your car noisier than I remember it? Isn't a Prius supposed to be quieter?" Well, he didn't drive it as much as I did and I chalked up an explanation in my mind that it was probably a little noisier with snow tires on it during the winter months.

Then, after digging it out repeatedly in January and finally being able to drive it once more on a regular basis in February and March, I had to admit to myself - this car really DID sound noisier than I remembered it being. There was a distinct humming vibration in the steering at freeway speed that could easily be discerned in the steering wheel when I turned slightly left or right.

Then I took a group of colleagues (men and women) out to lunch last week. All commented on how noisy it sounded. Our collective wisdom led us to suspect a faulty wheel bearing assembly. One said, "In my professional opinion (he is not a mechanic) this needs to get into the dealership for an inspection."

I heeded the warning signs finally, and took it in for an evaluation. Sure enough, the right front passenger side wheel bearing assembly was badly compromised, and the mechanic told me I would have been a dead man at freeway speed had it failed en route. He thought it might have happened as early as the next two or three trips I took it on.

My purpose in telling this story is to remind us all that warning signs constantly seem to pop up in our lives on a frequent basis. Some we heed, others we dismiss. Some amount to nothing, but others may have life or death consequences if left unattended.

Recently, I have been made aware of some who are leaving the Church. There seem to be a variety of reasons, but each story suggests there are warning signs that left unattended can be catastrophic in time.

In one case, after a lifetime of service to the Church and a pension plan from "the Lord's university" in his hip pocket, it was reported a man and his family had exited the Church. He had been making increasingly bombastic statements about the humble servants the Lord has put in place. "Joseph Smith was the only true prophet," he maintained, "and all the others are just false prophets who have been leading the Church astray ever since." He asserts it is our Mother in Heaven who will judge us, regardless of what the scriptures have revealed. He is now helping Denver Snuffer raise money to distribute a new and improved version of the scriptures and build an "undefiled" new temple.

Another boldly declared, "The Church is talking out of both sides of its mouth on gays and lesbians. They are all our brothers and sisters, but same sex attraction support groups are nothing more than lip service. The leaders of the Church tell us to love them as our brothers and sisters, but they are not allowed to have full participation in the blessings."

Still another railed against the Church's policy to not permit minority-aged children of openly rebellious same sex couples from having the blessings of baptism and priesthood ordinations. They have been deeply offended and have asked that their names be removed from the membership rolls of the Church. "I cannot pay tithing to a Church that discriminates," he told me defiantly.

Most recently, I heard about a group who plan to protest next week's Conference proceedings because of a decades-old grievance about a Scout leader who was abusing Scout-aged boys and the activity had gone unreported for years until now when the boys had finally come forward. They have filed suit against the Church and are seeking judgment to avenge the loss of the innocence of those boys.

Still others, I have been told, plan to protest at the Conference for women to have priesthood ordinations, and others who would advocate for the leaders of the Church to overthrow President Monson because he is now senile. Stop me if you're old enough to remember that one before. News flash - the President of the Church is almost always an old man subject to the infirmities of the flesh.

These warning signs among us are real, and those who hold these often political and highly charged philosophical positions are certainly entitled to express their opinions. I believe most are sincere in their passionate assertions that they are right.

These conditions, it seems, are persistent now, but these conditions have always been with us. The Lord's servants have never had an easy path in this dispensation or in any other. The blood of the martyrs attests to their diligence and faithfulness in the face of all the opposition. In their lives we see a pattern worth emulating, I believe. We will be beset and besieged on all sides in the days and years ahead. The path will not be easier. The "noise" will become deafening until we must give heed and take action or risk death spiritually and even temporally.

I suggest that we chart a course and make up our minds early to heed the warning signs and take steps to repair those conditions that threaten our safety and our peace. The solutions will not come through political means. The Republicans and the Democrats are dead to me. The solutions to our frustrations may not always come to us through the leaders of the Church either. In our impatience with them we may be left to look within. What is the path we will take?

I ignored the warning signs of a bad wheel bearing assembly that persisted for months before I took action, seemingly just in time to save myself and my family from some dire consequences. But in acting to correct a simple malfunctioning part on a car I was spared. How like that simple story are our lives?

What warning signs are you detecting in your lives? Is it something you see? Perhaps something you can hear? Or is it more subtle? Is it something you feel that isn't right in your life? What do you need to do?

Maybe it's time to take it to the Dealer for repairs. You don't have to wait as long as I did to find relief.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson

Observed Elder D. Todd Christofferson:

"What a precious gift is divine love! Filled with that love, Jesus asks, 'Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?' Tenderly He reassures, 'Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come. . . will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.'" ("Abide in My Love," Ensign, November 2016).

He concludes: "Will you not love Him who first loved you? Then keep His commandments. Will you not be a friend to Him who laid down His life for His friends? Then keep His commandments. Will you not abide in His love and receive all that He graciously offers you? Then keep His commandments. I pray that we will feel and fully abide in His love. . ."