What Is Your Best Advice for Raising Children?

The first thought when I saw this question this morning was, “Well, I’d do it just the way we did it.” I’m not kidding here, because all I have to do is judge our efforts by the results. We raised awesome (not perfect but awesome) children. And we were together in that endeavor. We would all have to credit Patsy for her prodigious contributions in raising our children. It’s a team effort in parenting, I believe.

To answer the question more directly I would quickly add this perspective: Heavenly Father is probably the best role model we could offer as an example of powerful parenting. Here are some of my humble observations about how He goes about raising His children:

1. He offers moral agency to His children right off the jump in the Garden of Eden. He lets them choose for themselves. He gives them choices to make and encourages good choices with ample (I would say almost unfathomable) opportunities coupled with incredible promises that perpetuate themselves into the eternities ahead. There are no limits in His plan. He tells His children “All that I have is yours on conditions of obedience.”

2. He makes ample provisions for failure. He knows all things in advance and He makes allowances for our mistakes as children. He doesn’t pace up and down in the vast expanse of the universe wringing His hands and fretting and worrying about the poor choices we make as His children. No, He has provided His Beloved Son as a Savior who has paid “the uttermost farthing” in answering the demands of the laws we have broken upon the condition that we repent. Then He forgives and He forgets without reservation and He remembers our sins no more. He allows for our growth and maturity.

3. He never micromanages our decisions. He in essence gives us the keys to drive the family vehicles, insures against the losses that may ensue, and gives us a wide enough berth to stretch our wings. Even as our premiums increase He remains calm, trusting in His gospel truths that have stood the tests of time in a universe full of other worlds and other children. He encourages the expanding of our opportunities, knowing we have it within us to excel because He trusts the Parentage that brought about our existence in the first place. He teaches us correct principles, and then allows us the space in which to put those principles into action. In short, He allows us to expand naturally and normally without fear of a few fender-benders. Miraculously, in our family there were plenty of totaled vehicles, but no fatalities.

4. Psychologists will confirm that the human mind is not fully developed until well into the twenties, and that’s usually when our children are out of our homes. They may have harbored resentment as teenagers at the way they were raised, but in time as maturity sets in there is often forgiveness as they become parents themselves and they conclude their parents did a pretty good job of raising them. Then they learn how to forgive the trespasses of their own teenagers and we see a sweet pattern of ongoing development that leads to outcomes for which we hope.

5. So what’s my profound advice for raising children? It’s simple really - trust in God's plan of salvation. It’s what we assented to in the pre-existent council in heaven. Sometimes in the pressure of the moment we are tempted to abandon all hope in the exigencies we confront, but the path I would advocate is the covenant path that has stood the test of time worlds without end.

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I salute each of my married children, self-styled as "The Goates Kids," for the work they are doing as parents. They are outstanding examples of all that is good and right in today’s fractured world. So many of them are seeing others who are struggling and who have left the Church for a myriad of reasons of their own making. But I advise that they continue in the path - they are true and faithful to that which they know to be true. 

To all of us, I encourage that we trust in those feelings and those answers to your prayers as they present themselves to you. When you are living by the guidance of the Holy Ghost, you will have all the assurances you need to move ahead with confidence. 

Most importantly, you can trust your children. Let them spread their wings and experience life on their own. Continue to teach them, love them unconditionally, point them to their Savior for redemption when they need His healing in their lives, assure them all is never lost and that all will be well with them when they seek the truth.

Be comforted and inspired by these words:

And our father Adam spake unto the Lord, and said: Why is it that men must repent and be baptized in water? And the Lord said unto Adam: Behold I have forgiven thee thy transgression in the Garden of Eden.

Hence came the saying abroad among the people, that the Son of God hath atoned for original guilt, wherein the sins of the parents cannot be answered upon the heads of the children, for they are whole from the foundation of the world.

And the Lord spake unto Adam, saying: Inasmuch as thy children are conceived in sin, even so when they begin to grow up, sin conceiveth in their hearts, and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good.

And it is given unto them to know good from evil; wherefore they are agents unto themselves, and I have given unto you another law and commandment.

Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God, for no unclean thing can dwell there, or dwell in his presence; for, in the language of Adam, Man of Holiness is his name, and the name of his Only Begotten is the Son of Man, even Jesus Christ, a righteous Judge, who shall come in the meridian of time.

Therefore I give unto you a commandment, to teach these things freely unto your children, saying:

That by reason of transgression cometh the fall, which fall bringeth death, and inasmuch as ye were born into the world by water, and blood, and the spirit, which I have made, and so became of dust a living soul, even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory;

For by the water ye keep the commandment; by the Spirit ye are justified, and by the blood ye are sanctified;

Therefore it is given to abide in you; the record of heaven; the Comforter; the peaceable things of immortal glory; the truth of all things; that which quickeneth all things, which maketh alive all things; that which knoweth all things, and hath all power according to wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgment.

And now, behold, I say unto you: This is the plan of salvation unto all men, through the blood of mine Only Begotten, who shall come in the meridian of time.

And behold, all things have their likeness, and all things are created and made to bear record of me, both things which are temporal, and things which are spiritual; things which are in the heavens above, and things which are on the earth, and things which are in the earth, and things which are under the earth, both above and beneath: all things bear record of me. (Moses 6:53-63).

Let those words of scripture sink deeply into your hearts as parents. Trust in them, trust in your children, and trust in God our Eternal Father who really does know what is best for us. He is our divine Exemplar when it comes to parenting. 

As we learn to think like Him, we become more like Him in our decisions as parents. Let the scriptures become so familiar to you that you reflect their outcomes in your family lives here and now. 

These ancient words from prophets are real, they are true, and they are the stuff of which eternal lives are made now and forever.

Being "Born Again" - Alma's Teachings

I was once seated many years ago next to our stake patriarch outside the bishop's office while we waited to be interviewed for our temple recommends. He was a wonderful man in his mid-eighties still going strong. In a whimsical mood, I dared to ask him, "Brother Nelson, do you ever lose the desire to sin?" To which he responded with a wink, "Never the desire, only the ability." I've thought a lot about that response. To be truly born again is to submit willingly, not kicking and screaming when old age overtakes us.

And that is the process of true born again conversion. It is not a one time event. I have spoken to people who can give me a date and a time when they were born again. However, what is more accurate is to say we gradually grow into a powerful testimony obtained from the Holy Spirit when that member of the Godhead tells us that the work of God on this earth and in the spirit world and in the resurrection is true, and his great function in that field is to bear testimony of the truth.

For example, at seven weeks old when our youngest child, Adrienne, died unexpectedly in the night, there was burned into my soul by the power of the Holy Ghost a firm and unshakable conviction that the literal resurrection of her body (and by extension all of ours) would allow her to come forth from the grave someday, and that death could claim no permanent victory. When other much-beloved family members have died, similar droplets of testimony were vouched safe to us -- we knew then, and the witness grows stronger with each passing year we will someday see them and be reunited beyond the grave. The Holy Ghost is the source of those powerful assurances as the Testator bears witness to our souls.

Beyond the witness, we are cleansed from sin and are born again and become converted to the truth when we receive the constant companionship of that member of the Godhead. Remember, it is an invitation to accept a gift from our Father in Heaven of the Holy Ghost, not an automatic berth in which we repose without effort on our part to comply to the terms of the covenant. Each week in the sacramental prayers on the bread and water symbols we covenant to remember Christ's atonement for us so that we may always have the Spirit of the Holy Ghost to be with us. (D&C 20:77; 79).

It goes without saying that nobody actually has that companionship of the Holy Ghost all the time, because no one is perfect and no one lives in the ideal and perfect state consistently. But we are admonished by the Spirit continually to do the very best we can, and to get enough of the companionship of the Holy Ghost to have our sins burned out of us as though by fire. And that is what we mean when we say "the baptism of fire," meaning the baptism of the Holy Ghost. That is symbolism that means dross and evil are being burned out of us as thoroughly as if a fire were set ablaze within us. It is the only way to become a new creature, as Alma explained.

So you become "born again." You become something new -- a new creature. There has been a discernible if not a complete change. There has been a true conversion. In the past you walked after the manner of the world, but now you walk as becomes a saint of God. 

The question is often asked, and sometimes we become discouraged, and sometimes we wonder, "How do I know that this change is happening?" My answer is that there are token payments made in spiritual confirmation that may not seem like much as they happen, but the fact that they are happening routinely in your life means you are becoming a partaker of the divine nature (see 2 Peter 1:4), even though you may not be in the Spirit every waking moment of your life -- the tokens you receive -- the "still, small voice" experiences along your journey -- are ample evidence that you are on the strait and narrow path leading toward eternal life despite your remaining imperfections.

We are a testimony-bearing people. Everywhere and always in our meetings somebody is saying, "I know that the gospel is true, or I know the Church is true, or I know the plan of salvation is true." The ultimate expression of knowledge is to get the witness that we are true. This is sound and this is good; Joseph Smith even went so far as to say, "This is good doctrine. It tastes good. I can taste the principles of eternal life, and so can you." (TPJS, 355). I love that way of expressing it! This is the way things ought to be. We ought to bear testimony nearly all the time, because when we bear testimony it strengthens the testimonies of other people. We are then partaking of a delicious meal together, feasting at the ample banquet table of the Lord. We get to dispense the tokens of eternal life to one another by the power of the Holy Ghost!

Sometimes it is more important to bear testimony than it is to teach doctrine. We have each had experience with that. Some do not have a strong doctrinal or scriptural foundation, but they are pillars of power in testimony. Don't ever excuse yourself from an expression of testimony because you may fear your lack in doctrinal horsepower. Bear testimony of the things the Holy Ghost has revealed to you. Remember what Joseph Smith said: "It is one thing to see the kingdom of God, and another thing to enter into it. We must have a change of heart to see the kingdom of God, and subscribe the articles of adoption to enter therein. No man can receive the Holy Ghost without receiving revelations. The Holy Ghost is a revelator." (TPJS, 328). The doctrines can be accumulated in due course.

I'm always intrigued with Alma's sudden and miraculous 180 degree turnaround. His testimony was acquired suddenly, instantly. It is not always thus. We may have testimonies without being converted. But all of us ought to be in the process of getting converted — and it is a process.

A person may get converted in a moment, miraculously. That is what happened to Alma the younger. He had been baptized in his youth, he had been promised the Holy Ghost, invited to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, but he had never received it. He thought himself superior in some way -- too knowledgeable, too sophisticated. He went off with the sons of Mosiah to destroy the Church and to do away with the teachings of his father, who in effect was President of the Church. He was fighting in opposition to the truth. He was like the college freshman who thinks he knows more than the Lord because he has learned a little science, and he may think the theory of evolution is more fact than the mere testimony of his parents. Alma was immersed in his rebellious state when this miraculous new light came into his soul. He was changed in an instant from his fallen and carnal state to a state of righteousness. His conversion is what the parents of wayward children dream about and hope for their own.

However, do not be deceived. This is not the way it happens with most people. With most of us true conversion, being born again, is a process. We go timid and furtive step by step by step, degree by degree, level by level, from a lower state to a higher, from grace to grace (see D&C 93:12-20 that describes this beautifully), until the time we can recognize within ourselves that we are wholly turned and passionately more interested in righteousness than wickedness. This means we gradually overcome -- one sin today, another sin tomorrow.

We perfect our lives by the power of the Holy Ghost building our altars of sacrifice brick by brick. I always liked the way Elder Neal A. Maxwell expressed it: "Real, personal sacrifice never was placing an animal on the altar. Instead, it is a willingness to put the animal in us upon the altar and letting it be consumed!" (Ensign, May 1995, 68). We daily sacrifice our tendency to do wickedly. We do it by offering up our moral agency, the only really unique gift we can give back to God, since He has imbued us with everything else already. The conversion process goes on until it is completed, until we become, literally, as King Benjamin admonishes, saints of God instead of natural men (Mosiah 3:19).

We overuse a word in the Church: striving. It's useful only if we recognize that striving is not arriving. What we are striving to do is to be converted. It is not enough to have a testimony. We read in D&C 76:71-80 about the terrestrial kingdom. And it says that those who are not valiant in the testimony of Jesus, do not obtain the kingdom of our God. If people who are not valiant in testimony go to the terrestrial kingdom, who is it that goes to the celestial, which is the kingdom of God? Obviously, the way you go to the celestial kingdom is to be valiant in testimony. I think it means we are working at it. Too often we see those who assent with their lips that the Church is a good idea, that it's a good way of life in which to raise a good family. We engage in a wishful "going along to get along" lack of commitment kind of fuzzy thinking. Instead, we need to make of our religion a working, living thing in our lives. The way we measure our performance in whether we are truly striving or just thinking we have arrived is embodied in three expressions: "Strengthen thy brethren," "Feed my sheep," and "Keep my commandments." (See John 15:7-14; 21:15-17; D&C 76:5-10).

Here's a self-correcting test proposed by Elder Bruce R. McConkie:

Try a little test on yourself. You know you have a testimony; that is not open to question. You already know the work is true. Are you converted? Have you been born again? Read the fifth chapter of Alma for the recitation of the tests [Alma poses 42 questions for your consideration] that tell a person whether he has been born again and how he knows. You know if you have been born again, or you know the degree to which you have been born again; it is the measure to which you keep the commandments and feed the Lord's sheep and strengthen your brethren. In other words, it is the measure of your involvement in the things of the Spirit, in the things of the Church.

Religion is not just a theological matter. It is not just a matter of analyzing some passages of scripture and coming up with some conclusions. Religion is a matter of doing something.

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world" (James 1:27). That is two things. It is involvement and service, which means righteous living. It is visiting the fatherless and the widows; it is strengthening your brethren; it is keeping the commandments, being thereby unspotted from the world.

Religion is a thing that has to live in the lives of people, and hence all these expressions to the effect that we show our faith by our works (James 2:18), and that we are not hearers only, but doers (James 1:22), or should be. You can be a hearer if all that is involved in religion is this matter of theology, of studying and analyzing passages of scripture. But you are a doer if you get religion into operation in your life. You are a hearer, in part at least, if all that you have is testimony. But you become a doer when you add to a testimony this pure conversion of which we are speaking. Peter is the classical example, as long as we understand that in the experiences of his life he was as he was because the Holy Ghost had not yet been given in full.

The Holy Ghost has been given in full in our day in the sense that the companionship of that member of the Godhead is available to us.

We want to be involved in the things of the Spirit. We do not want to sit on the sidelines and look in at some people who are converted. We want to be converted and participate in religion; we want to feel the promptings of the Spirit; we want to work miracles. We want to heal our sick; we want the gifts and graces that God gives the faithful. And they come when we get involved in the religion that he has so graciously and beneficently given us in this day. ("Be Ye Converted," BYU First Stake Conference, 11 February 1968).